26 june 2018
All original writing
2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018 Ian McLauchlin
12 Oct 2017:
Been waiting in all day and finally the phone rang. It was one of my old friends 02116 893 692. Complete with Indian accent, so I knew it was genuine.
"Hello, how are you today?"
I just love it when they're so concerned for your health and well-
"I'm calling from BT about your broadband."
That's nice. What about it?
"Someone's using you broadband without you knowing."
How do YOU know?
"Are you sitting in front of your computer now Sir?"
Somehow somebody's betrayed my trust and told them that I'm ALWAYS sitting in front of my computer (except for preparing meals, calls of nature, changing beds, putting out bins, starting washing machine, hanging washing, shopping for food, making tea, vacuuming, watering pots, baskets and troughs, bringing bins in, collecting post, reading assorted books magazines and technical literature etc. Oh and watching TV (evenings only).)
OK, you know so much about me, tell me what my current IP address is.
Sorry what is it?
"I've just told you."
Well it's wrong.
Would you believe it, he just rang off. Without even wishing me well, both now and in the future.
Upside? I wasted his time. Downside? The number called doesn't exist so I can't block it. Ah well. Only another 24 hours till the next bit of fun . . .
20 Sep 2017:
Women's Football World Cup qualifying match -
England were superb and ran rings round their opponents. One Russian team member was sent off in the first half. Result 6-
"And it's the start of the second half and Russia begin with only 10 men . . . ."
19 Sep 2017:
Seen on House of Commons Tory Members Notice Board.
Nominations are now invited for the following Awards . . .
Outstanding Liar of the Year
Outstanding Misuse of Statistics
Outstanding Promise of Same Sum of Money the Most Times
Outstanding Speech Writer for Most Broken Promises Made
Outstanding Undermining of PM without her noticing
Most MPs in a Simultaneous Back Stabbing Circle
Hunt Prize for Slow Yet Deadly Destruction of National Treasures
Loudest Braying at Prime Minister's Question Time
UN Peace Prize for Most Arms sold to Terrorist Nations
Gove Prize for Most Changes of Allegiance in 15 Minutes
Results to be announced, to thunderous applause or else, at The Party Conference.
17 Sep 2017:
I enjoy Victoria Coren-
What's the connection between each of the four in the following set of questions?
1. WestBromwich Devizes Calne Berwick-
2. PSYou ThingsToday YesIs WeOut
3. Emilia Laurence James Lydia
4. Iron Rialto Vauxhall Nose
5. Corn Market De Sun
6. Bucket Starboard Wish Endangered
7. Cactus Galaxy Pulsar Astra
8. Express Align Leyton East
9. Running Stack Flemish Herringbone
10. NapoleanBonaparte LechWalesa MarcoPolo JohnLennon