10 december 2020
All original writing
2014, 2015, 2016,
2017, 2018, 2019,
2020, 2021, 2022,
2023, 2024
Dr Ian McLauchlin
ROCHDALE HERALD C
17 Mar 18
ROCK OF GIBRALTAR TAKEN OVER BY MONKEYS
Since post-
The Chief Negotiator put down his banana, made characteristic alarm calls, and warned that Spain had better not try any monkey business with the rights of us apes. We expect to be treated fairly and will NOT accept peanuts, except in the form of peanuts.
In a further communiqué, Barbara Ape, the diverse addition to the Three Wise Monkeys, said that if we do have to sever relationships with Spain, it would be a wrench. When asked for clarification she stressed "No, not a monkey wrench."
"A bright future awaits" said Liam Ape "as the apes are currently negotiating appearances in new PG Tips commercials and are promoting the rock as a natural venue for Rock Concerts." It was pointed out that there were no PG Tips adverts planned, nor concerts where the stage was balanced on a rock and the audience were seasick 5 miles off in a boat. Liam replied "Typical negative reaction. It will be easy. Gibraltar + + . A piece of cake. Or a stick of rock."
A fireplace salesman in Westminster said that the apes should go away and shut up.
17 Mar 18
UK FOOTBALL COLLAPSES ON BREXIT FEARS
Following uncertainty about the future of EU citizens after Brexit, at least half of our players and three quarters of our football Managers have left the country.
Antonio Wenger complained "Eez deefeecult. At ze end of ze day. Eez so deefeecult. Playerz expect not to be deeported. And, er . . . . eez deefeecult."
Native footballers jumped for joy, hitting their head on the crossbar. "Time those foreign bastards were sent home, like. They show us up to be useless, at the end of the day. And in the mornin'."
Sanchez Sanchez-
Sitting alone in the centre circle at Turf Moor, Fred Blogs, full back, said "Good riddance. Now I can run rings round myself without them foreign bastards tripping me up, know wot I mean."
Sean Dyche commented "Anyone got any spare gravel for my voice?"
18 Mar 18
DIGITAL AGE TAKES TOLL ON OUR KIDS
After years of swiping screens, children no longer know how to hold a pen.
A Doctor writes: "When you hold a phone, or similar device, for long periods, the tendons in the hand become permanently distorted so that the hand can no longer hold anything smaller. The problem first became apparent after calculator use became widespread."
"It was distressing to see children look at a pen and not know what it was" said a Teacher. "More heartbreak was to come when they clearly struggled to hold it, using feet, elbows and even mouths. One child eventually picked one up and tried to stick it in her ear. She eventually almost got there by sticking it behind it."
When shown pieces of paper, groups of kids couldn't say what they were. "Are they screen protectors Miss?" was a common response.
In an attempt to explain what an eraser was, it helped to talk about it in terms of 'cut and paste'. "This is the 'cut' bit developed by priests in the Olden Days."
Explanations of 'handwriting' caused further bafflement. "You can draw lines on paper and these are a secret code for Words. If you use a Pencil, then an Eraser can rub them out."
When asked about Thumbs, the general opinion was that they were designed for games consoles. No-
In a question and answer session, all they could say was that ink was used for tattoos, a page polished a crown and a ruler wore it. A staple was a diet, compasses told you the way and log tables were for chopping wood.
The Department for Education commented that, yes it was worrying, but they were implementing a solution. Children would not be permitted to use writing implements of any kind in exams. Any paper sneaked in would be confiscated.
A famous wordsmith observed the irony that we call it the digital age yet children have become unable to use their fingers properly.
