miscellany

26 june 2018


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           2014, 2015, 2016, 2017,            2018        Ian McLauchlin

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ROCHDALE HERALD D


18 Mar 18

WIDESPREAD COLLAPSES AFTER SUSPECTED POISON PEN OUTRAGE

Following recent events in Salisbury, a spate of mystery poisonings has been uncovered.

"I was innocently listening to Question Time when I passed out" said an avid fan of the BBC.

"That's nothing" croaked a passer-out. "I only read a short paragraph of the Daily Mail and I dropped down dead."

Scientists at Porton Down have been carefully examining issues of the tabloid newspaper. A major incident was declared when seven of them keeled over after just a glimpse of the front page. The whole pile of Daily Mails was quarantined immediately and no-one was allowed entry.

A few months later, a Home Office spokesperson offered advice on what to do if you think you may have been contaminated. "If you think you've been exposed to a tabloid newspaper, don't panic, but cancel your subscription immediately. It helps if you wash your eyes out as well. There's a suspicion that the Daily Express may also have been involved."

Meanwhile all unsold copies were being collected by the Army and pulped. There was a moment of panic as some effluent escaped into a nearby stream but none of the fish were able to read it and disaster was averted.

The Army was later called in again when a whole coach load of football fans collapsed after reading the sports pages. "They never learn, do they" said a weary first-responder. "The first win of the season and they rush to read about it, even though they've just seen it live." A second-responder was summoned as the first one inadvertently caught sight of a headline and dropped to the ground.

Russia denied any involvement and claimed that only a specialist journalist, not found in the Urals, could have caused such widespread mayhem. They specifically asked not to be sent any samples as some of them can actually understand English and may drop like flies.


19 Mar 18

BBC USES ROBOT WEAPON TO AXE ROBOT WARS

The Robot Wars Series has been axed by Sir Killalot. In a shock development, against the clock, the robotic BBC Board of Governors heard shouts of "Pit, Pit, Pit" and, in a massive show of timid compliance, ordered its Clusterbots to surround the Series and shove it into the pit.

Judge Feargal Sharkey was ready to declare a foul when Shunt pushed the judges out of the arena. Dara N O'Brain gabbled incomprehensibly and left with robot Matilda, doing the River Dance.

George Lucas and his Banner were quietly ushered out of the building while it was carefully explained that "No Sir, that's a different Wars".

Contestants were gutted. "We're gutted" explained one. "He's gutted" explained another. "They're all gutted, as am I" explained a third. A producer wept in the corner. "What can we do with the millions of giant foam rubber hands we've just ordered?"

In a typical show of altruism, each contestant let the others use their "Save Robot Wars" badges while dismantling their robots for the last time. "We're dismantling our robots for the last time" they explained, through floods of oil-contaminated tears. One rogue robot turned on its owner and dismantled him for the last time.

Angela Scanlon (who?) was unavailable for comment.